Tainted Muscle Milk Sickens Entire Male Population of Long Island
Massive consumption of counterfeit Muscle Milk causes an epidemic throughout Long Island.
LONG ISLAND, NY — The entire male population of Long Island became ill after drinking counterfeit Muscle Milk produced in China, according to local authorities. Although the tainted milk has been sold in other parts of the country, the men of Long Island were particularly hard hit, as Muscle Milk makes up nearly 100% of their daily nutrition. Sufferers complained of severe intestinal pain; US Skeleton athlete and Long Island resident John Daly said, “I drank my Muscle Milk before doing my fuckin’ deadlifts, but my stomach started hurtin’ real bad, bro.”
The mayor of Long Island held a press conference from his hospital bed, and tried to reassure male residents: “I know you feel like shit right now, but the docs told me this one won’t be as bad as that shit with the Red Bull last year.”
FDA officials say it’s possible that spray-on tanning products, used by all Long Island residents, may have also interacted with the poison Milk, inducing additional toxic side effects.
Comments
I know you feel like shit right now, but the docs told me this one won't be as bad as that shit with the Red Bull last year.